How Connection Can Help to Heal Separation Anxiety.

Separation Anxiety can be an emotional experience and challenging for both children and their parents. Whether it be separating to another carer or separating at bedtime, Connection Village is here to help you navigate these challenges as we introduce you to some new connection tools to support you and your child to overcome these fears. Implementing these tools into your parenting will help your child to feel connected, empowered, and independent when you leave them. Leaving your child when they are in a state of devastation really pulls at the heart strings, and in the moment has us pondering; Am I doing the right thing? Should I be leaving them? You may even feel a sense of guilt.  We are here to help provide powerful strategies to overcome the fears and support you as you support your little one’s BIG feelings. 

We need to ensure our children know what to expect prior to us leaving making them feel safe and secure.  I like to say, “we bookend separation with connection”.  Before we separate and when we come back together, we make time for play, fun & laughter to eliminate the negative feelings around separating. 

What is Separation Anxiety?  

Separation anxiety is when a child becomes excessively anxious when separated from their parents or caregivers. Children are especially prone to separation anxiety during times of stress. Most of the time, separation anxiety likely has nothing to do with the caregiver nor does it mean that the child needs to be with us 24/7. Feelings of separation anxiety can be eased as we understand what is causing them.  

There are 3 main reasons for separation anxiety: 

• Lack of information for the child. 

• Trusting yourself on the right care for your child. 

• Built up feelings that affect separation. 

Attachment is a completely normal and healthy part of a child’s development and it is natural for children to have these strong attachments to their parents. You are their safe place!  Overtime with a nurturing, loving and gentle approach, separation anxiety will ease.  

When does Separation Anxiety start? 

Separation Anxiety may peak at different times for children, most commonly between ten to eighteen months.  It usually subsides by age two to three years. However, some children may experience separation anxiety as young as six months old when they develop object permanence, understanding that people exist even when they cannot be seen or heard. We also see separation anxiety emerge when they are older, in line with other major transitions such as starting childcare, parents returning to work or welcoming a new sibling.  

Separation Anxiety may be triggered at day-care drop off, when you get a carer over for a much-needed date night, or it may simply be when you need to run out for milk and bread. Every child is different, and every child has different needs.  We always encourage you to communicate the upcoming separation to your child, so they know what to expect. This will help your child feel safe, secure and also builds trust in you that when you leave you always come back to them. This communication helps to make your departure and return more fun and enjoyable as you help your little one with their BIG feelings about it.  

Powerful Strategies to help with Separation Anxiety 

Below are some ways in which we have helped our Connection Village families work through the emotions and anxiety that may arise for your little ones when it comes time to separate.  

Remember the importance of bookending separation with connection. Make the situation fun, and always allow time for play, fun and laughter with your child to help dissolve the associated fear and anxiety.  Be mindful of this separation and plan accordingly. 

Rushing through the process or stressing over the details will only add pressure to the situation, both for you and for your child.  In an effort to limit the impact of the separation you need to be prepared, well organised and confident in your approach. 

• Plan & Prepare - If you’re getting your child minded at home, ask your carer to arrive earlier to allow time for play and connection so they feel safe before you leave. Speak frequently and positively about this new person they are going to be with while you are away and help them to look forward to the time rather than be unsure or nervous. Allow time to listen to BIG feelings if necessary so it does not feel rushed, leaving your child unsettled and unable to relax and enjoy their time while you are away 

• Practice saying goodbye - pretending to leave, even if this is going into another room in the house, to the bathroom, out to the shed or to hang clothes on the line.  The more often you say goodbye, leave and return, the more comfortable your child will become with the process.  

• If your child is experiencing separation anxiety at day-care drop offs, explain to your child what will happen during their day, so they know what to expect: e.g. “Today you are going to childcare, and you will play with your friends (insert name if you know who they like to play with) and go outside and enjoy the sunshine.”  

• Allow time to connect before dropping off so your child is feeling connected, safe and knows what to expect, remembering to communicate with them about your return and all the fun you are going to have.  As you share with your child all the fun they will have without you, they will feel connected and supported throughout the day. It is important to follow up at the end of the day to share in their feelings of excitement and accomplishment.  

• Discuss with teachers or carers your child’s emotional challenges around separating and work with them to help your child feel empowered when you leave. The more communication shared between you and your child’s teacher or carer, the better the outcome. Children spend most of their day in school interacting with adults who can help them work through their BIG feelings in your absence. Positive relationships and meaningful discussions between you and your child’s teacher will benefit your family as you spend the day away from one another. 

• Be consistent in your approach. We find it works best when you prepare them by following the same routine, same rituals, and same schedule. All the while, allowing flexibility if your child is needing some extra time to connect or needs you to listen to their BIG feelings. Getting your child into a routine can ease their emotions and allow your child to build trust in their independence as you strengthen their trust in you. 

There are many different methods to use when your child is suffering from separation anxiety. We need to remember these emotions and attachments are completely normal and a common developmental stage for your child. The BIG feelings usually surface when your child is feeling out of balance. They can also surge when children are experiencing a developmental milestone or transition or working on an emotional project.  

Connection Village is your village! We are here to support you with a bespoke approach to ensure we meet the needs of your child and walk beside you through every step of your parenting journey and beyond.