Loving Limits and Your Child’s Challenging Behaviour

One of the most challenging roles for us as parents is how we respond to our little ones when they are flooded with BIG feelings. Often, we resort to bribing, coercing or even punishing them when we don’t know what else to do. Connection Village is here to support you every step of the way. We provide you with the tools to instead meet your child with compassion and empathy in those moments they are showing off-track behaviour, or having the mother of all tantrums. As hey, we were not supposed to do this parenting gig alone!

Dr. Marion Rose has some invaluable insights into why children will offload accumulated feelings in the form of whining, resistance, and aggression that can test our patience. Dr. Rose notes that it’s so important to remember that a child’s true nature is to love, and a natural progression of that love is connection, cooperation and contribution. BIG feelings and subsequent challenging behaviours can arise from different needs. Your child may need information, may have needs that are not being met or have bottled up feelings.

Thanks to Aletha Solter founder of the Aware Parenting Institute, and the amazing Dr. Marion Rose, we now have a new tool to add to the parenting tool belt! Instead of imposing punishments or bribing your little one in the hopes of better behaviour, Dr. Rose suggests a technique called “loving limits” where the parent imposes a limit, but it comes from a place of building and nurturing rather than frustration and anger. In a non-urgent situation, Dr. Rose recommends responding with empathy first. This provides a loving presence to show your child you recognise their want or need in the moment, then following up with a loving limit that reinforces your goal – for example, only reading two books instead of three before bedtime. Verbalising the loving limit with empathy first helps the child feel seen, and that you understand and acknowledge what they want (to read another book) but that you’ve already finished and won’t be continuing (you’ve read two books already and you won’t be reading any more books because it’s bedtime).

In a situation with urgency where there’s a possibility of danger to you or your child, Dr. Rose recommends offering loving limits first – “I’m not willing for you to  hit your brother” – and then following it up with empathy – “ I see that you’re frustrated, I’m here and I’m listening.” The limit is always loving, and you can communicate this to your child through your eye contact, gentle tone of voice, and use of compassionate actions.

Loving limits meet yours and your child’s needs, while helping to develop meaningful bonds. Dr. Rose explains that this is because we as parents can look holistically at the entire family and commit ourselves to valuing everyone’s needs in order to find the best ways of meeting those needs. We’re with you as parents and we see you! Our need is often about caring for ourselves as we continue learning to help children find ways to do things for themselves, so that we can respond with compassion to their requests rather than frustration and anger that can fuel their BIG feelings. This allows us to then find empathy to assist them when they do genuinely need help.

Our little ones’ needs are underpinned by their need to offload accumulated feelings. This can be disguised behind acting out with aggression or whining. As parents, we need to look behind the behaviour to figure out; What is causing our child to be off-track? What are they trying to communicate to us? This behaviour is a sign they are feeling disconnected and out of balance. Dr. Rose states that loving limits say no to the behaviour and yes to the feelings causing the behaviour. By offering a  loving limit in response to challenging behaviour, we show love and support for the feelings bubbling away in the background, and can provide our loving presence, listen, empathise and show compassion to help heal the hurts that flood them.

We are your village, and we want to support you in remembering the three main reasons children’s BIG feelings turn towards aggression. They will most likely have a need for information, nurturing, or pent-up feelings. The reason for offering loving limits is to allow the feelings behind the aggressive behaviour to reveal themselves, so we can support them with empathy, while still gently reinforcing the limit with compassion. 

We’re here to walk beside you throughout your parenting journey, even during challenging times so that you can develop more meaningful connections with your little ones, so please reach out if you’re looking for support.